totally gutted! I’ve been listening to “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue” for years now and it’s always given me a giggle, not to mention the odd gutbusting belly laugh.
I’ve been listening to Humph’s sublime hornsmanship for much longer than that…it’s a sad day.
Trans: It’s a big Meme
Do you empty your own hoover bag?
We’re bagless, baby!
How do you like to travel?
Not bothered, so long as it’s leading to a holiday destination.
Did you ever pass your cycling profiency?
No. And I’ll tell you why: I did all the course, did well, but then three days before my test, they bought me a new bike. The bloke running the test said I hadn’t had it long enough and wouldn’t let me take the test. Gutted!
What colour is happiness?
Pink…and blue…sometimes it’s just anything bright.
What colour is January?
Neither pink, nor blue. Occasionally it’s bright, though.
Are you any good at potato sculptures?
I do a brilliant rendition of that modern art classic “Randomly dumped spuds with plate”
Whats the secret of the universe?
I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. It’s a secret, dontcha know?
Do you like sardines?
Yes. Now ask if they like me…
Whats your favourite item of clothing?
The t-shirt and shorts I put on ten seconds after getting home.
Have you ever considered posing in the nude?
The pictures do exist. They’re locked away though.
Have you ever been beaten up for no reason?
Uh huh. 50-or-so strong gang saunters up to me in a park one day…the leader, renowned hard-knock of the school and coke fiend, says “watchoo bin sayin bout me mum?”, lamps me in the jaw and tries to flip me. I…stand there. At one point, surrounded, I stand and say “Look, I don’t want to fight you.”. Someone in the crowd shouts, “I do!”, jumps for me and runs headlong into somebody else, who holds him off.
I walk over the road to my friend’s house and comfort my distraught girlfriend while reassuring them I’m fine.
Not much of a beating. I guess we had crap bullies at my school.
What was the stupidest thing you did as a kid?
Offered to fight the hugest, most muscular kid in school. Not the idiot in the story above, this guy ate kids for a living. He never showed.
Whats the worst song you’ve ever written?
Humanity may rest assured that I have never put pen to paper with the ultimate goal of putting it to music afterwards.
Did you have a nickname at school?
Yes, but telling you what it was would kinda piss on my anonymity.
Do you believe human beings can spontaneously combust?
Don’t see why not. Can I nominate our gas man to be the first to do so on video?
Have you ever heard voices in your head?
Yes, once. It was very reassuring.
Did you have any strange habits as a child?
They felt strange to me, but that was just puberty’s mindgames. Now, it all seems rather trivial.
Whats the most horrid thing you have ever done?
Oh gawd…I really don’t know. There’s stuff I’ve done that I probably wouldn’t do again, but nothing you’d say was particularly horrid. I slammed the living room door in my sister’s face once. Does that count?
Whats your favourite word to use on call my bluff?
Discombobulated. The art of dislocating Bob’s arm.
If you were a car what would you be?
Nothing american.
Do you think that antiques roadshow is boring?
YAWWN…ZzzzZZz. Oh…what?
Can you think of a good poem about wet wet wet?
erm…
The Wets:
They were good once.
Now they’re…
Where?
That’ll be a no then…
Do you put up your own shelves?
Aye. Nobody’s gonna do it for me.
Have you ever milked a cow?
I am an udder virgin. One day, though.
Did you know that the words biggest sopider has a leg span of ten inches?
What’s a sopider?
Have you ever thought you were a bus stop?
I’ve felt like a doorstop occasionally.
Are you any good at marbles?
it’s been so long since I played…
What do you wear in bed?
as little as possible.
Have you ever placed a lonely hearts ad?
Yep, kinda. It was a very long time ago. I did get a couple of replies.
Did you ever phone a random person to annoy them?
Only at work.
Have you ever been so violently sick your earrings fell off?
Nope, I wear a hoop.
Where do all the missing pens in the world go?
My daughters’ room.
Have you ever thought that the world is just a little crouton floating in gods minestrone Cup A Soup?
Ooh, I like minestrone. I could cope with that.
Have you ever accidentally swallowed a fly?
They say you swallow up to eight spiders a night. Given that spiders eat flies, i guess so.
What was your biggest thrill as a child?
Camping holidays.
Do you think flowers scream when you pick them?
You pick ‘em, they’re dead. You’d scream, too!
Whats your least favourite expression?
The expression on a toddler’s face juuuuust before they do the foghorn screaming cry thing.
What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Chicken sarnies.
What keeps you awake at night?
Second Life, and more recently, the prospect of not waking up if a red light shows up on the CO monitor.
If you had 15 minutes to live what you would do?
Three weeks ago, with fifteen minutes left to live, I fought to survive. Good enough answer?
What are your ambitions?
Well, the phrase “Happily ever after” does occur to me.
Did you ever pull the legs off a Daddy Long legs?
No.
Have you ever hit your sister with a wet fish?
As I mentioned earlier, I did hit her with a door.
How would you describe yourself?
Me. *big grin*
What were you in a previous life?
The marquis de sade?
Do you know anyone called Tarquin?
If I do, they’ve changed their name.
Did you take sandwiches to school or have school dinners?
Neither, I went home for lunch. Via the chippy.
Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?
I was stuck in a lift with someone who panicked slightly once. On reflection, a nice chat would ahve been good. Let’s say George Bush. For a couple of hours. Fuck me, he’d never have had such a telling off.
Do you think meat is murder?
Oh probably…but as we’re top of the food chain…get stuck in!
How often do you cut your toenails and where do you put the clippings?
Randomly, as and when needed. They go on the nearest tabletop to be inspected, then put in the bin. Waddya mean, you were eating?
Do you pick the white stringy bits off oranges before you eat them?
Yup.
Do you snore?
Fuck, yeah!
Do girls fancy you?
One does. That’s all I wanna know about to be honest. It’d be nice to think others do, too.
Do you ever cut yourself shaving?
I use a cutthroat. It kinda comes with the territory.
Do you mow your own lawn?
Mow? Lawn? What are these words?
Whats your favourite hat?
I don’t do hats. Saying that, the black “Bah, Humbug” hat I got bought for Christmas was rather amusing.
Have you ever written a fan letter?
Nope. I’m not that sad…or devoted.
Did you know the worlds biggest parsnip was 12 feet long?
Nope, I did not know that. Did you know I contracted gout while working on the longest bar in Britain?
Would you say you have any eccentricities?
Yes. One great huge whopping if-I-told-you-you’d-call-me-a-son-of-a-Nazi eccentricity.
If you could contact one dead person in a seance and have a chat, who would you choose?
Erm, Mark Speight perhaps. Poor, poor man.
Whats your most disgusting habit?
Smoking. Not much, just one a night or so.
Which member of Duran Duran would you most like to play golf with?
If you ever caught me on a golf course, I’d hope it would be while shagging. Fuck knows I don’t intend to ever actually play.
Have you ever done a jigsaw puzzle in hospital?
Nope. I listened to the radio.
When you were young did your mother ever lock you in your room with a plate of cabbage?
Nope. She dumped spaghetti over my head once though. I was still in a high chair, but I remember it. Not bitterly, just a memory.
Do you have a big mirror in your bathroom?
Yes. One kinda needs it when one removes living hair from one’s jugular veins with a scalpel every few days.
If you were a domestic appliance what would you be?
Do you know anyone called Igor?
Actually…I know someone who could be called Igor?
What would you do if you were invisible for a day?
Watch people fuck, steal stuff, find out stuff, get FUCKING cold.
Have you ever been sick into a cowboy boot?
Oddly enough, I haven’t.
Do you like rupert the bear?
The theme tune makes me smile. You can keep the actual cartoons though.
Do you own a stuffed Alaskan timber wolf?
An oversight on my part, I can assure you.
Do you believe in God?
Yes. Well, higher power of some sort. Not Xenu.
Aren’t Big Audio Dynamite just a bunch of boring old punks?
I only know the obvious one of theirs
Whats your favourite Spandau Ballet record?
Through the Barricades.
Have you ever worn a dress?
Yep. Bloody comfy it was too. Roll on the general acceptance of the man-skirt. And I’m not talking kilts.
Do you own a stuffed panda?
The Missis does. I…do not.
Have you ever found any silverfish in your mattress?
Bloody place is haven for bugs and spiders and stuff.
Whats your favourite Indian meal?
Biryani. Just discovered the spice mix and I can cook a very nice one thank you.
What colour is your bedroom wall?
Green.
What order do you take your clothes off?
Shoes, socks/trousers simultaneously, top.
What do you think abour mrs thatcher?
The woman who killed British industry and raped the country repeatedly for eleven very long years.
Can you mend a puncture on a water tyre?
A whatnow?
Have you got a Ronald McDonald toothbrush?
Sadly not
Should we scrap the royal family?
Not until they come clean about Harry’s father.
Whats the worst job you ever had?
Working in a shit pub that got the worst rating I’ve ever heard of folowing a Mystery Customer visit. First time I’ve quit in shame.
Do you ever go a bit weird?
Define weird.
Whats your favourite thing you’ve got from your childhood?
A reason to be confident.
Whats your favouritye breakfast cereal?
Homemade Muesli…which is basically own brand savers variety muesli, lightly toasted with honey, ground, mixed nuts and various chopped, dried fruit. Yumm.
Have you ever worn a kilt?
In truth, it was a tartan skirt.
Do you think youre good looking?
Bloody hell, no.
Who do you not like?
The gasman whose negligence nearly ended four lives.
Do you own a teddy bear?
I have a little polar bear somewhere which was a gift from someone I could have fancied the pants off, a lifetime ago.
Know any good jokes?
I know lots of shit jokes. The kids love ‘em.
Yep, I know. Such a cliché.
Anyway, a word about Max Mosley [link].
I have two problems with the whole sordid episode:
1) He switched [link]. Pick a side, you half-assed idiot.
2) He’s Oswald Mosley’s son, which makes him instantly despicable.
The details of his five hour BDSM orgy? Well hell, I’ve done worse in the name of foreplay.
Is it me, or is this [link] getting more dodgy and disturbing with every new report?
And lets’ not forget the very significant and important paucity of publicity when the poor lass was first snatched compared to those bloody McCanns.
As much as I wonder what happened to the poor girl, I really don’t wanna know.
Meanwhile, I await the release of the “Find Madeline” video game, exclusively on Nintendo Wii…
OK, so here I am, stuck in the office on a Saturday morning, hard at work.
Whaddya mean, “Can’t be that busy if you’ve got time to blog”?
Anyway…
Having nearly died last week, my mind has unsurprisingly been drawn to thoughts of a morbid nature, including the itinerary for my funeral.
As most people (at least those who don’t manage to get themselves blasted out of a huge cannon or shot into space) are cremated these days, I would like, just as they press the button to send me to the oven, the theme to Thunderbirds to be playing.
Well, why not?
On a lighter note, it’s recently been pointed out that I’ve held down this job for 6 weeks shy of a year. I’m frankly shocked by this as it’s gone really really fast - or at least it’s felt like it has. I thought it’d only been about 9 months!
Doesn’t time fly when you’re…stuck in an air conditioned square block in the middle of nowhere for almost nine hours a day?
To be honest, though, this is the easiest, most enjoyable job I’ve ever had, which probably goes a looong way to explaining why I’m still here a year later.
I’m not bored. OK, maybe a bit bored, but I’m content, respected and reasonably well off. What else could a person ask for?
Back to the normal routine. Back at work.
Today was my second day back after the excitement of Wednesday night. Quite a few people have been supportively nice, asking after the kids and being outraged at the landlord.
For that, I thank them.
The events of the weekend, in no specific order:
I took Friday off - we went to the cinema, where we watched “Horton Hears a Who?“, an enchanting Dr Seuss adaptation which entirely failed to keep me from falling asleep.
After that we gorged ourselves at the Chinese and went home.
Basically, a little celebration of still being here.
Saturday, I picked up an electric oven - with rotisserie attachment - for £25, a fan to heat the upstairs and completely failed to find a new tumble dryer. For some reason, sales of them go through the roof in wet weather. Fuck me, I never knew that.
Sunday we all woke up late. It was lovely.
Monday, back to work. Felt odd all day, like I was glad to be there, not because it’s work, but because I’m around to be able to go in. I have become designated trainer for some reason, don’t ask me why…so my regular work gets shoved to the sidelines until I can be rid of the poor sap for a few hours.
Today, trainee is off sick, I have a vaguely hectic but ultimately rewarding day catching up.
Riddle me this, workmates…
We have a situation whereby two or three out of the ten of us in the team are doing something a little stupid. Now, as a good manager do you:
a) direct one of their workmates to watch over and authorise each piece of work they raise
or
b) ask a competent member of the team to take each one aside for a quick chat, having identified a need for a little extra training?
Fuck’s sake!
Feels very much like driving up a very steep hill.
I was making dinner, when C started complaining of feeling sick, drunk, woozy.
“Odd,” I thought, “me too…”
then my head seemed like it was getting more fuzzy by the second. Ears blocked up like a havey cold and it began being hard to stand up.
Our eldest daughter came downstairs crying bitterly and very dizzy.
At this point, the “oh fuck” factor became overwhelming. Priorities became: Vent the house, get the family together, call 999.
Ran upstairs, fetched sleeping younger daughter, B. Came down to find C rigid and fitting on the sofa where she’d just been playing a game on the PC.
While I grabbed her, slapping her face to desperately wake her up, I phoned 999.
I only knew they were listening because the phone stopped ringing in my ear.
“Hello. Can’t hear you. AMBULANCE!”
A few minutes later, C was awake but terribly, scarily groggy, the doors were open, i’d switched the gas off and we were waiting for ambulance, fire engine and HAZMAT team to arrive.
They took the three girls off to hospital while I - poisoned and woozy - stayed home to deal with the fire brigade as they finished off their initial report, and while the gas board sealed off the house supply.
By midnight we were all booked in. and on oxygen masks going full pelt.
Gotta say, it’s a bit of a once in a lifetime thrill to book yourself into a hospital, chirpily declairng “I have carbon monoxide poisoning”!
Maybe I’m just weird. Nearly died, never felt more alive…or more glad to BE alive.
So anyway, how the fuck was YOUR evening? Leave a message, let me wallow in the mundane for a second.
Sigh…
Work is dead. Nobody’s phoning.
Doesn’t mean nobody’s having problems, far from it, but it’s kinda slow. Especially as we’ve got more people on the actual phones than ever before.
Consequently, we’re spending a good proportion of the day bitching each other - or callers - out or just plain gossiping. Hell, it’s almost like working in a proper office!
The good news is that I’m getting a raise! From April 1st I’ll be on a smidge less than £18,000 a year…a whopping £4000 pay increase. Cop that!
This does mean, however, that I - a lowly Agency worker - will be earning more than the contracted employees. Yes, there are ructions.
And yes, I know it’s not really a raise, but a standard annual pay increase. Let me dream, OK?
Aaaaaanyway…
Maybe sometime soon, I might talk about the secret of holding down a relationship for more than five minutes…if that won’t put too many people’s noses out of joint. Anyone interested?
Earthquake!!!
The second one in six years to hit the midlands. The last one rattled us quite significantly as we’d never had one that big before…
It’s the weirdest thing to know the very earth is shaking around you…that thing you expect to be the most stable, most reliable and solid thing in your life…the ground you walk on - and it just starts to rumble.
I felt it coming…like anticipation…a rumble just below hearing level…then the room shook…and kept shaking. The house creaked as it shook. If it could sound surprised, it would have.
Very strange…
Oh and another strange thing: Isn’t it lucky the Hollywood writers’ strike was settled just in time for the Oscars…
Dead druggie! Wow! Who knew!?
I’ll have to actually watch Brokeback Mountain now…
